Do you have people in your life who are catalysts for your growth? There is a story about this I heard years ago that has stuck with me. It was told by the Buddhist teacher, Pema Chodron, about a Buddhist monk from Bengal who was traveling to Tibet. As I remember it, he insisted on bringing his Bengali tea boy with him. People wondered why, since there were plenty of tea boys in Tibet. He told them his tea boy was always annoying and aggravating him, which served to keep him always on his growing edge. He had heard the people of Tibet were peaceful and wouldn’t provide him with the level of provocation he wanted in order to motivate him to continue to evolve. Of course, when he got to Tibet, the story goes, he found there were plenty of people there to provoke him. There is never a shortage of people and circumstances in our lives to challenge us to move toward becoming the highest expression of ourselves.
Recalling this story was helpful recently after an unusually uncomfortable interaction with a particular person in my life. For a few days afterward, I felt off center, uneasy. I couldn’t shake the disturbing feelings. But when I woke up one morning with the realization that this was a growth opportunity, the energy around it immediately shifted. My attitude changed from confusion and discomfort to acceptance and even gratitude. I was able to see this person as my ‘Bengali tea boy,’ and that made all the difference. The interaction offered me the opportunity to expand my awareness, to see myself more clearly, and to step out of a previously hidden pattern of behavior that had been holding me back. The person who seemed to be an enemy had actually offered me a gift.
When our intention is growth and evolution, even the challenging people and situations life inevitably brings, can be a source of gratitude. We suffer because of our unconscious habits of thinking and behavior. When the light of awareness shines on these patterns, we have the option to change and grow. Often, it is the difficult interactions or circumstances we face that serve to bring the hidden patterns to light—patterns that are causing suffering. When we become conscious of them, we have the option to change them. They no longer have the capacity to disturb our peace of mind.
Of course, this doesn’t mean adopting a premature acceptance of someone or something that is hurtful. It doesn’t mean skipping over the uncomfortable feelings if that is what we are experiencing. As a psychotherapist, I often see people who have suffered deep psychological wounds at the hands of others. But even in those extreme circumstances, holding the intention, however small, for seeing the opportunity for growth brings a ray of light into the situation. It can sometimes take years of living to fully recognize the gifts in our suffering.
As my teachers at the ashram in India pointed out, “Life is relationship.” We are always in a subject-object relationship with everything, including our thoughts and feelings. They taught us what they called “the art of listening.” It meant listening to our own inner reactions to what life brings. Only when we stop blaming life, blaming others for our suffering can we begin to see that we are responsible for our reactions. We can become aware of our own power to make different choices, to step out of suffering. And the people in our lives who are ‘thorns in our side’ are always willing to help us do just that.
Consider This: Who are your ‘Bengali tea boys’ and what do they reveal to you about yourself?
